This is the first of a page dedicated to just plain writing. In many ways still distinctly related to me. I had a long day of chats today. Sitting back here at my computer at 11:19 PM. Fixed myself a bagel with peanut butter I stumbled next to a book about writing.
That prompted this. Today felt monumental enough to write it down. I better write it down. I feel that if I don’t some of it may be lost to me in many ways. I might forget it, I might remember but never act upon the things I’ve discussed.
Wanted to write this down and express everything. Hopefully viscerally enough that I don’t forget this feeling and my lazy ass does something.
Lost
That’s what I’ve been feeling for a while…
Maybe since second semester of freshman year. I think it’s easy to, with how I only try to survive school, I have zero time for anything else. And with that I don’t get a chance to work on the things that I feel are most important to me. It’s a shallow excuse I realize.
Additionally, I’ve been having doubts on what I truly want to do. Intrisically what brings me happiness? Can I get by doing something I feel I need to do out of obligation? Will that alone drive me to the finish? This is less of an excuse and more real I feel.
Maybe I need to love the game. Truly love the game. Heart needs to be in the work…
At times I can believe it, at times … not.
Exploration
This is what needs to happen. An era of exploration. Self exploration, an exploration of my studies, an exploration of passions, hobbies, of life. With such a grand goal I gave myself I think maybe I’ve lost part of myself in the process. I’ve removed my own personal happiness from the equation, I’m just a tool to finish a goal. A means to an end. To that end my happiness is inconsequential. I’m almost sure that sounds pretty unhealthy…
Proactivity and Agency
Agency. I read this word recently in a twitter post. I need to regain this value in my life. I need to feel like I have it. To do that I must be proactive.
Gonna end this writing before I ramble on. I’ve lost a large amount of time already. It’s not enough to just get by through school. So many people get so much more out of CMU, End of the day college amounts to the connections you make and the extracurriculars. The hobbies you gain, the start-ups you start, the co-founders you meet, the friends you make, the learning that happens both in the classroom and out.
I need to get more learning happening outside of the classroom. Otherwise by the time I get out, I’ll have learned the same amount as anyone else. And then that’ll leave me truly wondering why I’ve forced myself to suffer this hard at CMU when I could’ve learned it anywhere else and had more fun…
More than that though, I just don’t wanna be mid anymore…
Doing one thing everyday to explore something, anything.
exploration
Oct 18, 2024 Chen-Chi Hwang